We, at Dear Divorce Coach, have coined the term “toxhole” to refer to an ex who is both toxic and an a**hole too. Although it’s a funny term, dealing with one is anything but laughable. There’s the ex who dumps you unreasonably or maybe doesn’t even give you the satisfaction of saying goodbye. Some exes treat you terribly in a relationship. Worse than both of those exes, however, are those, unhappy in your relationship but unhappier after the split. If you don’t have children with them, it’s easy to put as much distance between you and them as humanly possible and not be exposed to their negative fuming. But, what if you do have kids and are required to co-parent with them, or rather, with a toxhole, attempt to do so? There are no easy answers but there are some coping and communication strategies you can use to make your life more manageable. After all, you deserve to have a life after your relationship even if it appears their single-minded purpose is to ensure otherwise. Try these strategies and let us know your story and what we can do to help. We have tools to make life better, for you and your children.
You got dumped. You need help surviving and thriving afterwards. We have a plan for you! Read our tips here!
4 Ways To Survive A Breakup When You're Still In Love With Him
Often, I hear from clients, during separation and divorce, that they are lonely.
Loneliness, as most of us know, comes from a feeling that we are missing something or that we are disconnected. In separation and divorce, or even when trying to repair a broken relationship, this feeling might arise. However, if we keep digging, we might discover that loneliness is simply what we are feeling most of the time and only discover it when others aren’t around to distract us from it. Another person didn’t actually cause the loneliness, they didn’t fix it but rather simply distracted us from it for some period of time. What, then, is loneliness, really?
Your experience in separation and divorce is likely not like driving a car on a straight road. There are bumps and hurdles and some hairpin turns, likely. So, what makes us able to navigate the unanticipated turns gracefully enough to pull away when disaster may otherwise strike? That really depends upon you. Staying alert in divorce is surely important but managing stress and allowing yourself time to decompress too. Many factors depend upon the relationship and mindset you have with and about your STBX (soon to be ex). It may be possible to cooperate around issues involve money and kids or just the opposite. Whatever the case, having a plan and a way to cope is essential.
What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner. – Colette.
It still amazes me how the minutiae of my day can make me notice only the hard parts, as if I am endlessly rowing against the current. If you are experiencing separation and divorce, this repeated pattern may lead you to believe it’s futile to consider joy as part of your daily life. It’s really up to you to decide something else. You are likely experiencing stress in a way that challenges your sense of self and your vision for the future and perhaps the future of your children. So, how do you re-frame and re-joice? Take these three steps each day to re-mind yourself of what is good and whole in yourself and your life.
As we literally and metaphorically open the door to a new season, what should we sweep outside and what should we keep close?
In your separation or divorce, are you angry and bitter because your family life is disrupted and you don’t know where you are headed? Or, are you able to see just a little bit of light in your life now that a complicated relationship, whether your choice or not, is done? Can you shift, even a little, to see that you might have the opportunity to love again and appreciate more?
As you navigate separation and divorce, you may find yourself awash in emotions you find unfamiliar and bewildering. If you have children, you may wonder how to care for them as you feel so emotionally adrift yourself. Although there is not one answer to what may work for you, it is important to remove as much pressure from yourself right now as possible. It’s likely easy to think many negative thoughts and to reinforce them when you communicate with others.
One simple tool can help. Every time you find yourself thinking critically, of yourself or your STBX (soon to be ex), try this simple tool: reframe your mindset. Here’s an example:
Certified Divorce Coach, Parent Coordinator, Lawyer, Yoga Teacher, Divorced Parent